Yep, it took me forever to do it, but I finally committed myself to push through Sapienza’s stunning beauty to play the rest of Hitman, and let me tell you—
“Hold up!” you shout with understandable annoyance. “Where the hell have you been since July?”
Well, see imaginary reader, every month that we were supposed to get my new gaming PC, something came up and the money had to go elsewhere. The vet, paying for a new heater, the TV died, whatever. My work computer was already unable to play most newer games besides indie pixel games, so I just kind of locked in on playing the stuff I’ve already reviewed. I played every Dark Souls, all three Borderlands and Tiny Tina’s Wonderlands, and Skyrim with multiple builds. But, in December, I finally got my new gaming box (it really is a tiny box that fits neatly under the new TV, and by the by, gaming on a 50 inch TV is so, so nice) which meant I could finally play Elden Ring. And yes, I will have a review on that, too. But in between rounds of Elden Ring, I also decided to download and restart Hitman to see everything it had to offer.
Let me tell you, that is one hell of a game. I can’t quite call it perfect, but it certainly kept me enthralled for the better part of two weeks. Even after I finished it, I felt like I needed time to distill all my thoughts on it. But before I even get to that, I should answer the main question: was it so good that I want more? And the answer is, yes, I will be getting Hitman: World of Assassination in March because I really want to see what other sets they put together for Hitman 2 and 3.
Going back in after months away, I of course did the tutorial again, but I wanted to make each assignment different than my first attempt. This meant I saw the same location from more angles, helping me to appreciate the scale even for the little warehouse-based sets. I admit, on the final exam, I still ended up killing the target by having them eject themselves out of the cockpit of a grounded fighter jet. But hey, it was funny the first time, and it was still funny for the encore.
None of those tutorial sets could prepare me for returning to Paris. When I played the first time, I was so focused on tailing my targets inside the palace that I never looked around outside. So imagine my gasp of wonder as I wandered around a corner to discover the Seine river in all its resplendent beauty. I’d have stared all day, but just then the game said, “Hey, over there is a new opportunity for your target!”
I followed that clue for a bit, got into disguise, and then went right back to the river to gawk like a common tourist. Every building, every exquisite detail felt like a love letter to France, and I was loving it all. Oddly enough, it was so good, that even after I beat the level, I played it again to come up with ANOTHER way to complete my contracts while soaking up the view on the other side of the palace. This time I was even being bold enough to stand next to my target as he downed the cocktail I’d poisoned. With that run, I had a new record for time completing the level, and a couple new achievements like walking the catwalk in the fashion show disguised as world-famous supermodel Helmut Kruger. (Remember that name, as it’s going to come up again.)
Up next was Sapienza, my old nemesis that had halted my progress by being too pretty. This time I said “I don’t care how lovely it is, today I’m gonna murder some bad guys!” But first, I had to figure out where the safe house was to pick up my extra gear. This had been a sticking point before, but this time I did manage to find it. In an amusing twist of fate, I got lost in the building on my way out and stumbled onto the perfect disguise to enter the church. From there, I also got a new opportunity.
Let me explain that now. Sprinkled throughout every level are people dropping hot gossip that will open up new methods of reaching a target. It might lead to a perfect disguise that will let Agent 47 blend in without anyone being suspicious, or it might highlight a great location to be alone with the targets.
In Sapienza, one of the targets is a genetic virus, similar to the one used in No Time To Die. (Though I’m relatively sure Hitman did it first.) So that church disguise led to a dead scientist still wearing their uniform, and a grieving colleague with a security badge that would get me into the lab. From there, I just had to slip around the many scientists who would alert the guards that Agent 47 was a phony-baloney. Once I got into a hazmat suit, I got to the last puzzle: how to destroy the virus when there were always two people watching it. In the end, I poisoned some rats and mixed up a batch of nasty toxins at another workstation to distract both the scientists. Then I walked to the door, turned, and chucked a proximity explosive close to the virus. Four seconds later, one of the scientists set off the bomb, and I was already in another disguise making my way to the exit. I then killed the agoraphobic project leader with an explosive golf ball and his handler with a garotte while her guard was distracted.
I think that’s part of what makes Hitman so satisfying. Sure, you could be banal and kill targets with a gun. But maybe you can also have them drink rat poison, follow them until they get sick and run to a bathroom, and then drown them in their own puke in the toilet. Or you can drop a light rack on them while they give a speech about how great they are. Or you can electrocute them. Whatever, let your imagination run wild.
Or, you know, just shoot them. Because that often works, too.
The other part of this satisfaction formula is, all the targets are Bad Guys. You don’t have to feel conflicted over terminating them because the intel briefing explicitly says “These are all the ways these targets are Evil.” All you really have to worry about is sorting out how to kill them without witnesses screaming things like “Stop strangling him, you bad man!” (You think I kid. I do not, and this actually was screamed at me a few times in botched attempts.)
Around this time, I tried the escalation mode, but I didn’t really care much for it. You start with killing one random dude, then escape. Then you have to kill two, three, four, and five, and it just kind of lost the appeal when all I had to do was snipe them from a rooftop and wait for the security to lose interest before walking away again. And again. And again. It got old fast, is what I’m saying.
The missions in Morocco and Thailand ended up being the most challenging because of the sheer number of witnesses and the minuscule windows of opportunity to do anything. Even just getting into disguises was hard, so when I finally nailed down a plan, it felt good. It was like I’d really done the work of casing the sets, timing every patrol and opportunity to the last second. Like I really earned those murders, you know?
And the there’s Colorado. I just…if Paris and Sapienza are love letters to their respective countries, Colorado is a 1 star Yelp review bomb hitting the wrong restaurant. For one, it’s butt ugly. The set is a pair of rings creating a roller rink of sorts around the perimeter. The outer ring is an assortment of fencing and vehicles that looks halfway like a scene from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, while the inner walls are a hodgepodge mess of plywood, corrugated metal and wire fencing. I cannot overstate how much this whole design irked me.
But this was also the level that went with four targets instead of two, and one of them was an ENVIRONMENTAL TERRORIST. Oh. My. God. They’re also working with a Moussad torturer who apparently needs to wear a Micheal Myers mask, a guerilla freedom fighter, and a former Interpol analyst. That’s less likely as a training camp for a terrorist strike team, and more of a set up for a “walks into a bar” joke.
Between the ridiculous intel briefing and my grumpiness at the ugliness of the level, I decided “Fuck it, they’re all bad guys, so I’m killing everyone!” What followed in the next three real-time days was a complete dismantling of a base with close to 200 well armed assholes. I would drag a body close to a security checkpoint, fire a gun to draw looky-loos, then kill the poor schmucks tasked with bagging and dragging away their colleagues. Wash, rinse, and repeat, for three whole days. (I’m talking the whole day, aside from me clocking out for lunch and dinner.)
This wasn’t easy because each of the four factions would shout about trespassing if Agent 47 was in the wrong disguise, and this too was a ridiculous annoyance as I could see guards from all factions crisscross each other’s turf without similar hysterics. But so I did it, and I didn’t even care that my score was zero. I was just glad to go somewhere that didn’t suck.
Which brings me to Japan, set in a posh private hospital where the doors were locked by chips embedded in the patients’ clothing and staff uniforms. I thought I was going to hate this one too, but it was a puzzle, and a doozy of a head-scratcher. I finally cracked a way in when running into a CEO who was having plastic surgery to look like HELMUT KRUGER. (See, told you he’d come up again.) The first time I botched my approach, he turned around, took one look at Agent 47, and promptly launched into a frothing rant about someone else “getting the Kruger too.” He threatened to make me vanish, he knows people, he can’t believe I’d steal his new look. Honestly, I wanted a bucket of popcorn to further enjoy his epic meltdown.
One disguise led to another, and then I just happened to bump into the Yoga instructor one of the targets booked for private sessions. We were in an empty hallway, right next to a supply closet, and I said “Well isn’t this just perfect?” I got rid of her, and then went on to kill the other target without even being in the same room as him. Man, it made me feel like a Mozart of murder.
I haven’t even touched on the story, told in cut-scenes between missions, and the last two had me so intrigued that I knew I’d have to pay to see the rest. (Because if you recall, I got this first installment for free from Epic Game Store.) It’s rare that a video game’s plot has me deeply invested like this, and so that’s a huge win for IOI. (Even more so now that I plan on giving them money for the game I already played for free.)
I will admit, for a team that was supposedly put together of all cultures and viewpoints, having all the voice actors speaking with the same accents regardless of location was disappointing. But I suppose hiring bilingual local talent from each of the non-English levels would have been too expensive. I just hope that when that new James Bond game comes out, they aim for a bit more authenticity in the vocal performances.
Still, I can very easily set aside that quibble and my annoyance over Colorado to give Hitman a solid 5 stars. It’s a lovely combination of attention to detail, challenging gameplay with a high risk, high reward loop, and mostly impeccable writing that sucked me in for the entire run. When I get Hitman: World of Assassination, I’m pretty sure I can take another crack at these first missions, and I won’t even feel slightly peeved to do it. Except for Colorado. That part is going suck hairy butthole.
All right, that’s it for this review. Next week, I’ll have another one, and you can probably already guess what it is. Until then, remember: set a timer on doom scrolling, stay hydrated, and be sure to take your real-life aggression on some digital targets. Trust me, it helps a lot.