As I mentioned before, I’ve been sick since just before Christmas. The combination of high humidity and a too cold house has not made recovery easy. So even though I wrote that I would be committing to more time with “butt in chair, and words on screen,” what’s really been more common is ass in bed playing Solitaire on my phone.
The thing is, for years, I’ve been looking for a mobile version without ads. So when I found a version through my Netflix subscription, I downloaded it, and it was mostly fine.
Keep in mind, I’ve been playing Solitaire a long time. I first played with real cards after watching my mom play it. When we got a computer with Windows 3.1, I just moved over to computer versions because then I didn’t have to shuffle and count out the cards. Double bonus. I’ve played every version and variant since then, so it remains my most played game ever, edging out Tetris by close to two decades.
These last two months, I’ve played a LOT of this version from my four blanket-layered bed, and it’s got every mobile mechanic you might expect besides ads. It’s got a profile, a daily challenge, daily goals, a leaderboard, a leveling system, and a series of unlockable animations. And then of course it keeps asking to send notifications of new daily goals and daily challenges.
Now that I’m level 121, and am in the middle of animation pack six, I’ve come to the realization that Solitaire doesn’t need any of this stuff. They don’t exactly ruin the experience, but they don’t add any element of fun, either. Take the animation packs as an example. At no point during my many decades of playing did I say, “Yeah, this is all right, but it would be more fun if the cards turned into dancers and mimicked horrible versions of the Macarena, Raise the Roof, and Do the Lasso.” Just do the card cascade and let’s move on to the next hand.
Similarly, I don’t care that I have unlocked a new title for my profile page. I’m playing Solitaire. I don’t care if I can be called Savvy Cardslinger now. Every few levels, I get a new title, so the profile lights up with a red circle with a little white 1, like I should rush over and change my profile. Nah, screw that. I’m just going to play the next hand. Well, I admit, I did change my profile once when Heart Breaker became an option. But that’s only because it amused me slightly.
The daily goals and daily challenge are equally pointless. I can do most of the goals on the same round if the RNG is right. Back when I was still trying to keep up with those things, challenges were more iffy, like, “win 15 hands,” and I was going, “I wasn’t planning on being on the toilet quite that long, mang.”
The daily challenge is just another shuffle, but assigned to every player. I usually don’t even bother with it because all it does is add a little crown to a calendar. I’m old enough that I don’t need a daily gold star next to my name. That was neat in first grade, but I’m about to turn fifty. What I need now is glowing book reviews and maybe one day a fancy little statue from a reputable writer’s awards ceremony. (Seriously, good reviews are like cocaine, in that the highs they provide are intense, but don’t last long before I’m chasing another hit. But I digress.)
Both the daily challenges and daily goals will regularly ask me if I want to turn on notification to be notified when they refresh, but what’s the point? They refresh at midnight. I don’t need a reminder to play Solitaire. I’m stuck in bed, so I was going to do that anyway.
I don’t even care about the scoring system, or more accurately, I don’t understand it, and I don’t care to look up how it works. As near as I can figure, there’s some kind of bonus added if I play faster. But I’m just playing this because it’s a relaxing way to pass the time that doesn’t stress my body or my brain. I don’t really care if I average three minutes per game. In the morning, that can stretch all the way to four or five because I’ve got a dog or cat asking for cuddles, and I’m not going to tell them, “Not now, buddy, you’re ruining my score!”
About the only part of the score I do like is seeing how many moves I needed to complete each hand, because now I know I average around 120 moves for most rounds. But again, Solitaire isn’t a game of skill. It’s luck of the draw. Yes, I had a hand that I finished with 107 moves in one minute and forty seconds. But that wasn’t because I was so good. It was just a really great shuffle that let me stack up the cards faster than my normal pace.
A couple years ago, a mobile game ad promoted a version of Solitaire that went, “No ads, no gimmicks, just good old Solitaire.” I got that version, and it of course had ads, and gimmicks. (Leaderboards, daily goals, daily challenges, yada yada yada.) But if anyone knows of a version, even a paid version that ditches all of this mobile clutter, will y’all please let me know? It’s a bonus if they toss in Spider, Klondike, Freecell, and Pyramid, but I will honestly pay to get a clean copy of old school Solitaire that doesn’t try to turn it into some kind of online tournament. I don’t care about that, you know? I play Solitaire because I like playing with myself.
Wait, that came out wrong…or did it?
Anywho, see you next week with a real review.