Hairies: Werewolves, werebears, and wereweasels will all need to look over your shoulder, as the full moon can only mean one thing…sex-crazed sasquatches. Also good right about tonight? Chastity belts. Good luck, and we hope the stars are lying about your survival odds.
Minotaur: Dude, get out of the maze now! They’re onto you! From where you’re at, go left, left, right right, hay, weed, hay, weed, up, up, down, down, turn at the rosebush, and you’re home free to rape and pillage. Oh, and the king who trapped you has a spare key for the kitchen door hidden for his whores. Go on and pay him back for his years of lousy uncooked meals in the form of sweating heroes.
Doppelgangers: You’re fucking busted, man. Saturn and Mars being in alignment means chaos is about to be up in your grill if you don’t skate tonight. Slit that motherfucker’s throat on your way out, though. You’re doing society a favor.
Vampires: Stakes are high tonight. That’s right, a pack of vampire hunters, and man, these people know their shit. At least three or four of your crew are gonna get dusted, and you’ll barely fang one hunter in revenge before his buddies try to do you in. You’ll hang tough, but you’re gonna bleed a lot before you get away. Better luck next time, mate.
Harpy: Bitch, please. That plan you’re coming up with is so last century. Tie him down, paint acid designs all over his body, feast on his pain as the designs burn into his screaming flesh, and then tear his guts out for his “final meal.” And that’s how you cap a demigod 21st century atiste-style.
Maat: Lady, you are not going to believe who’s going to come to you for judgment. We can’t tell you…no, you traveled back in time and expressly forbid us from ruining the surprise. But…you’ll love this. Heh.
The Scorpion King: Dude, you need to get better security. Another adventurer is about to roll through your crib, and shock of shocks, you misplaced the spear again. I told you after you had the doctor take it out “Go back and get it before a hero steals it.” But you rolled your eyes and was all “Oh who’s got time for a stupid oracle anyway?” Well guess what, you either need to run out of the pyramid tonight, or you’re playing the pincushion, again. Bitch.
Lucifer: Big contract today, a new pop act. Yes, they suck, and you’ll have to smile and pretend they just need a little help to make it on the charts. Kinda like O-Town, but with less personality. But they’re going to pay off millions in record sales before breaking up due to allegations that they’re sleeping with underage groupies. The allegations are true, but thanks to another contract with you (don’t ask) the charges won’t stick.
Sadako: So they’re making another movie about you. Good news: they’re getting a Japanese actress to play you in an American adaption. Bad news: they still won’t admit you’re a transsexual who psychically transmutated to a virus and then evolved into a hermaphrodite. Worse, the movie will claim you’re a cancer on society. Erm…and actually…
Mermaids: Ladies, it’s same shit, different day: sing pretty, kill sailors. Le sigh.