Michael Bay pitches a Superman reboot

MB: Gentlemen, after my work with the Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchises, I’m ready to turn my brilliant vision toward rebooting another superhero franchise, Superman. Now, I know they just rebooted him with Henry Cavill, but that didn’t review well, and I know why. You see, people are burnt out on origins stories with aliens. Trust me, I know this, because people hated the last three Transformers movies because they’re aliens, and fans reacted with outrage when I wanted to make the ninja turtles into aliens, too. So, clearly, the next Man of Steel cannot be an alien.

That’s why, in this reboot, instead of being an alien from Krypton landing on Earth as a baby, my Man of Steel will be an out of work steel factory worker played by Ryan Reynolds who falls into a vat of molten radioactive upsidasium. The experimental metal is what allows him to fly, and it’s also what makes him invulnerable. Also, instead of having laser vision, his eyes will stream liquid molten metal. It’s almost the same power, but even more gruesome. The special effects crew will have a field day with it.

Obviously, this means we need a new villain worthy of this new Man of Steel, but audiences are tired of Lex Luthor. This is why I propose a reboot of his role to a female counterpart, an Asian martial arts master named Lei Liu-Xan, who has a vendetta against the Man of Steel because he gave her radiation poisoning during a booty call and made all her hair fall out. Obviously, we’ll cast this role with Jennifer Lawrence.

This setup gives us everything for a great reboot. It’s got sexual tension, romantic conflict to keep the female audience sitting through to the credits, and a ton of fight scenes for the guys we’re really marketing towards. At the end of the movie, The Man of Steel and Lei Liu-Xan devastate half of Metropolis in a huge final brawl before realizing they still love each other and have a final kiss. Lei Liu-Xan explodes from overexposure to the Man of Steel’s radiation, destroying the rest of Metropolis. The Man of Steel flies away from Earth in guilt, setting us up for his *finger quotes* alien return in a sequel slated for 2017.

So, what do you think?

Head Studio Exec: … I smell a blockbuster!

Internet reaction to first announcement: OH FER FUCK’S SAKE, MICHAEL BAY, STOP DESTROYING OUR CHILDHOOD.

Same people on opening day: Well, I’ll still go see it, just to see if it’s any good.

Me: *Commits seppuku*

The Twelve Days of Christmas – Indie Edition

On the first day of Christmas my true fans gave to me
An email full of praise for me

On the second day of Christmas my true fans gave to me
Two interviews
And an email full of praise for me

On the third day of Christmas my true fans gave to me
Three PayPals
Two interviews
And an email full of praise for me

On the fourth day of Christmas my true fans gave to me
Four debit cards
Three PayPals
Two interviews
And an email full of praise for me Continue reading

I’ve been having issues…

…as outlined in previous posts, but my latest efforts to phone Microsoft’s local tech support via their 800 number still got nothing. So I got on Twitter and asked @XboxSupport if there was some way that I could just email a report to the staff and hope for the best in the next update. @XboxSupport sent me a link to a chat support, and during last night, I found out that one of my problems could not be resolved due to a setting that was way, way outside the tech’s power to change. The chat ended with us both smiling, and I filled out my survey with positive input. I really wished I’d save that chat with Gina too, but I didn’t think about it until after closing the window.

Today, I realized I’d lost the ability to play videos through the Xbox Zune player after the update, and this WAS SO NOT COOL. So I got back onto chat support, this time getting in contact with Darragh in Ireland. What followed was a tech support chat that starts testy on my part and veers into an interview and a book sale, with me selling two copies of Peter the Wolf, one print copy to the tech, and the other a Kindle copy to the higher level tech “listening” in to our chat. The conversation got so twisted that near the end I asked for permission to do a copy-pasta of our tech chat. It’s too good not to share.

If you don’t notice it among the jargon and topics shifts, Darragh does fix the problem I came to him with, and then addresses another problem I’m having. So despite me having spent two DAYS talking to Microsoft tech support, I’m actually in a great mood. Apple, you only WISH you had customer service this awesome. (Amazon…just, no.)

So, without further ado, the TL;DR tech chat with all our typos and foul language unedited. (Sensitive readers are advised to avoid this whole thing or to cover their eyes with one hand, but peek through their fingers):

You are now chatting with ‘Darragh’.
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Hairies: Werewolves, werebears, and wereweasels will all need to look over your shoulder, as the full moon can only mean one thing…sex-crazed sasquatches. Also good right about tonight? Chastity belts. Good luck, and we hope the stars are lying about your survival odds.

Minotaur: Dude, get out of the maze now! They’re onto you! From where you’re at, go left, left, right right, hay, weed, hay, weed, up, up, down, down, turn at the rosebush, and you’re home free to rape and pillage. Oh, and the king who trapped you has a spare key for the kitchen door hidden for his whores. Go on and pay him back for his years of lousy uncooked meals in the form of sweating heroes.

Doppelgangers: You’re fucking busted, man. Saturn and Mars being in alignment means chaos is about to be up in your grill if you don’t skate tonight. Slit that motherfucker’s throat on your way out, though. You’re doing society a favor.

Vampires: Stakes are high tonight. That’s right, a pack of vampire hunters, and man, these people know their shit. At least three or four of your crew are gonna get dusted, and you’ll barely fang one hunter in revenge before his buddies try to do you in. You’ll hang tough, but you’re gonna bleed a lot before you get away. Better luck next time, mate.

Harpy: Bitch, please. That plan you’re coming up with is so last century. Tie him down, paint acid designs all over his body, feast on his pain as the designs burn into his screaming flesh, and then tear his guts out for his “final meal.” And that’s how you cap a demigod 21st century atiste-style.

Maat: Lady, you are not going to believe who’s going to come to you for judgment. We can’t tell you…no, you traveled back in time and expressly forbid us from ruining the surprise. But…you’ll love this. Heh.

The Scorpion King: Dude, you need to get better security. Another adventurer is about to roll through your crib, and shock of shocks, you misplaced the spear again. I told you after you had the doctor take it out “Go back and get it before a hero steals it.” But you rolled your eyes and was all “Oh who’s got time for a stupid oracle anyway?” Well guess what, you either need to run out of the pyramid tonight, or you’re playing the pincushion, again. Bitch.

Elves: Poofs!

Lucifer: Big contract today, a new pop act. Yes, they suck, and you’ll have to smile and pretend they just need a little help to make it on the charts. Kinda like O-Town, but with less personality. But they’re going to pay off millions in record sales before breaking up due to allegations that they’re sleeping with underage groupies. The allegations are true, but thanks to another contract with you (don’t ask) the charges won’t stick.

Sadako: So they’re making another movie about you. Good news: they’re getting a Japanese actress to play you in an American adaption. Bad news: they still won’t admit you’re a transsexual who psychically transmutated to a virus and then evolved into a hermaphrodite. Worse, the movie will claim you’re a cancer on society. Erm…and actually…

Mermaids: Ladies, it’s same shit, different day: sing pretty, kill sailors. Le sigh.

“New” Book, and a little ditty I worked up for the haters…

So yes, I finally made it through the Smashwords queue, and now you can pick up updated ebook copies of Job Interview With a Vampire for $1.99. As with all free archived books, I fixed some typos. BUT, I also added a little extra bit of information to the final chapters, stuff that will help me hook better into future episodes. There’s going to be novellas and short stories in the future for Lucas and the Colby sisters, Amber, Claudia and Dimitri. (Yes, really.) But conditions are not yet right for any of these characters to spin off. For now the best perspective to follow is Vicky. (As evidenced by the next episode in Vicky’s story after Job Interview With a Vampire, Stark Raving Bonkers.)

Fans of halflings, magi, changelings, or werekin need not worry that I will be neglecting you. There is PLENTY in the editing queue for y’all too. I just have to sort out which stories I want to put out first.

And now, for the haters…

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Cover, X-Box, or Guitar?

So, my birthday is coming up in 10 days, and hubby is asking what I want. For the last three birthdays, I have taken money as a gift, and turned around to buy a cover for one of my books. Which really hasn’t done much for sales. I’m often tempted to release a book sans cover, just to see if it sells better or worse, but  that’s not really what I’m talking about today.

No, this year, I’ve decided that I want an actual gift. Some of you on Twitter know I’ve had my heart set on an Xbox Kinect, and that I’ve felt this way since learning that they have dancing games. (Don’t judge me.) I would LOVE to get the dance games and LIPS, the karaoke game, and I can see spending many long nights annoying my neighbors as I try to hit the high notes in my favorite Bee Gees tunes. (I said don’t judge me, damn it!)

But, you know, I’ve also had this strong urge to learn guitar. No, playing Guitar Hero is not good enough. I want to be able to pick up a guitar and pick my way through some of my favorite songs. I’ve always loved guitars, but I admit, there’s a selfish ulterior motive to wanting the guitar: guitarists get groupies.

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Lend me your rears…

Hey, let me tell you people something!


And, let me say another thing: Another thing.

Friends and foes, lend me your rears! No? Fine! Then I stand before you because you don’t trust me to stand behind you! I speak to you not as a countryman, but as a citywoman. I speak in public of a matter most private. But I speak of an important matter of great import, which I will import to you. I import, and you decide. (Then I retort, and you deride).

In the past, for my thoughts, I have been criticized by critics most hypocritical. I have been attacked, berated, castrated, denied, embarrassed, fucked, groped, hit, interrogated, jumped, kicked, lambasted, mauled, nipped, overlooked, punched, quarantined, razzed, stymied, underrated, vandalized, wounded, x-rayed, yelled at and zapped.

But I am still here. I have no idea what I’m saying, but I will say it with conviction! And I will say it until anyone proves it cannot be said! And anyone who says it cannot be said is just a so-and-so saying stuff!

Um…never mind. I forgot what I wanted to say.

DEAR FTC…your name means Fuck Those Chatterboxes

So, according to the new laws, I’m now an outlaw because I don’t disclose which book reviews are books I bought versus books I got for free. Which is just fucking hilarious.

Motherfuckin’ politicians won’t disclose when they got $150,000 from a PAC to speak out against a good idea, but if I get a free e-book and don’t say so, that’s a crime now? It’s true what Mark Twain said about politicians wanting to get rid of liars and crooks because they can’t stand the competition. They own the monopoly on organized crime, and they aren’t disclosing it to anyone.

Meh. Like I should fuckin’ disclose which books I get for free. Hell, most of the books I did get free, I turned around and bought copies to help support the writer. As it is I would have thought it’s a given who sends me free shit. I’m a cranky nobody whining on the internet, so obviously big guys like Harper Collins and Quercus aren’t kissing my ass and saying, “Oh, Miss Whitten, your shit tastes like mint candy-flavored shit! Please, won’t you give this Stephen King novel a great review? You know he’s so small and pathetic that he needs your amazing wit to help sell him to these moronic masses.”

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How NOT to respond to a negative review…

It happens to everyone. You get that review from someone who didn’t like your book, and their complaints show how little they actually grasped of the work. They make light of your writing with a few flippant and inaccurate observations about tense confusion and head-hops, and then they suggest that you need more editing to make the book more like how they want it. First, let me show you what not to do with a sad event that occurred on a reviewer’s doorstep. (Remember, this is a totally true story)

*Ding-dong* (after a long delay, a man dressed in a grey sweater and beige slacks comes to the door. Looking vaguely like Graham Chapman, he removes a wooden pipe from between his teeth and inclines his head forward in a cue to the guest to speak.)

You: Hi, are you Mr.  Belvedere Biggles?

BB: Indeed I am. May I help you?

You: *removing hidden chainsaw from behind your back* You can rot in hell, bastard!

BB: Strewth!

Yes, you totally killed Mr. Belvedere Biggles, of Hackensack, with a chainsaw. Maybe you don’t remember it now, but that’s because you blocked it out. Poor fool. Now, let me explain where you went wrong, aside from hiding a running chainsaw in your anus.

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