Review Lady Gaga w/ Beyoncé – Telephone

I’ve been seeing a lot of crosstalk about this new video, none of it good. While I don’t really like the song Telephone, I decided to head over to Lady Gaga’s site to see the full “uncensored” video. (You should not label a video uncensored when you blur out the crotch, or when “motherfucker” is cut from the soundtrack to just “motherf—-.” That is generally called a censored version by most people, for obvious reasons.)

My review is behind the cut, but the short version is “1 star: don’t waste your time.”

First of all, let me address the concerns I’ve seen put forth by many of my trans friends. During the opening sequence, Lady Gaga is escorted by two women who many are saying are “obviously trans.” No, they are in fact obviously female bodybuilders. During their “on-seasons” female bodybuilders often have less than 7% body fat, and this can make their faces seem much more angular, even to the point that they look more male.

Both of the guards escorting Lady Gaga are quite veiny and lean, suggesting that the director grabbed a couple of buff ladies. It is true that people not knowing anything about bodybuilding could look at these women and see transgender traits. Nevertheless, there is nothing inherently offensive in their being prisons guards. It is stereotypical that the guards in women’s prisons are buffed bullies, but that is not the same thing as playing on the trans stereotype.

In watching the video, my main reaction was the question “what does any of this have to do with the song?” The short answer is “absolutely nothing!” In the course of ten minutes, the video  insults the intelligence with such absurdities as a pair of sunglasses made entirely out of burning cigarettes, beer cans used as hair rollers (cause you know, they serve beer in prison), a Thelma and Louise rip-off, and a goofy nod to Tarintino via the “Pussy Wagon” truck from Kill Bill.

A chained up Lady Gaga engages in a make out session with a butch lesbian in a prison yard, and we’re treated to a cell phone commercial at the same time. She dances in her underwear, presumably to make sure we know for certain that she does not have a dick. We get another ad for a dating service and the cell phone again as Gaga is bailed out of prison by Beyoncé. Gaga lets Beyoncé feed her a Honey Bee, and then they go to a diner to kill everyone…just because.

And yet, none of this has to do with dancing in club while one’s cell phone is ringing. And that’s all the song is about. The video seems like an effort to make a mini movie, but the production values suck, and the acting…look, I can’t speak for Gaga, but I saw Beyoncé on SNL before. I know she can do better than this. Both ladies are so stiff in delivering lines, and the dialogue is just asinine. I suppose that’s fitting in with the overall theme of the video. I heard this is the director’s big “breakout video,” so maybe he was trying to equate a prison break with his breakout. All I can say to him is, “Dude, go back to film school, and keep working.”

Did I consider the video offensive? No, not really. I’ve seen and heard worse in rap videos from the mid 90s. I did feel my intelligence was insulted, and time and again, I came back to the question, “What does this have to do with the song?”

Of all the songs on Fame Monster, this one was at the bottom of the list as the most vapid and without artistic merit. Beyoncé’s performance is sub-par given her superb vocal talents, and the song is also below Gaga’s more impressive efforts in Speechless, Bad Romance, and Dance in the Dark.

And getting back to the video, Gaga’s costumes are so awful that I’m tempted to write to her and say, “Give up and hire a clothing designer, PLEASE.” I’ve heard it’s said that Gaga is redefining beauty. She’s also doing a fine job of redefining bad fashion.

I give Telephone 1 star out of 5. Once again, Lady Gaga reminds me why I like MP3s: because I don’t have to watch the singer acting like a moron. I can just admire her voice and forget what a godawful eyesore she really is.