Cough on your drink?

You know how you sometimes read a joke, and it’s written in just the right way that you hit the punchline right as you’re trying to swallow a mouthful of soda? And instead of swallowing, you start to laugh and shoot soda through your nose. Don’t you hate that?

Well I fuckin’ love it, and I love making people snort on their drinks. It’s so deliciously evil, but in a nicer,  socially acceptable form. It’s evil lite.

My addiction to torturing people in this manner started in middle school, when I could make people snort on milk simply by dropping a choice word. Look right at a guy drinking his milk, grin, and say, “fartknocker.” Fucking works every time. One milk geyser, comin’ up!

But while milk is funny visually, it’s not as physically discomforting to the victims as carbonated beverages are. In fact, milk is rather soothing after the initial shock of passing a cold liquid the wrong way through a pipe designed primarily for conveying air, sinus medications, cocaine and French-inhaled hash hits into the body.

I kid.

It’s not really used for conveying air all that often.

No, a carbonated soda is painful even after it’s been expelled. Plus, depending on how fresh the soda is, carbonated beverages also have the potential to foam up as they’re passed through the sinus cavities, and this increases the pressure of delivery. In lay terms, it makes exploding foam burst out in a wide circle. This is adding both to the physical discomfort of the victim and to the visual comedy factor to the surrounding spectators. It’s fucking awesome, is what it is.

And let’s not even get started on snorted beers or wine coolers.

I’m always experimenting and trying new things in all facets of my life, because I believe that a life lived well is one lived to the fullest. I think we should all attempt to surpass our previous limits and break through into a new level of skill.

And one day, I swear, I will make someone snort a whole cheeseburger through one nostril.